Greetings near and far to my faithful readers who have learned to accept the disappointment of my procrastination! I have come to share my amusing initiatives over the last, I don't know 5 months?
I have but this to say: Holy crap. I am finally graduating in a few short weeks. What am I supposed to do after that? I haven't had to be a real adult...well ever. I've been enjoying all of the PERKS of being an adult...but have yet to really experience real adulthood...you know, like paying bills with money that isn't borrowed or obtained from another generous source. I've been using college as that proverbial crutch to never really have to do anything important or significant as an adult-- professionally anyways. I happen to think the 8 Dave Matthews Band concerts and multiple vacations paid for by my future 30 yr old self (who will probably be a little pissed) were more than significant and borderline legendary. However, while I am more than enthusiastic and excited that I never have to write another report about why I believe Suzy punches Kenny in the back of the head at story time or why Rachel eats her boogers, I am becoming increasingly petrified as I think about the fact that someone is going to pay me to educate children. And that I will be making some sort of mark on their lives forever. For some reason, I envisioned footprints in wet sand as I wrote that last comment...framed on someone's wall. Certainly not mine, the wall and surroundings were too nice.
Why would someone want to trust me with their children? Yes, I can make sure they don't wander into the rough suburban parking lot and engage in a rumble with the Sharks and aren't rubber cement in the bathroom, but teach them? Educate them? This is a lot to chew. However, I have had a wonderful student teaching experience and I feel prepared. Sort of. There are a few things I've regretted mentioning to my students, later, after I think about the things they go home and tell their parents they learned at school.
Exhibit A: With Veteran's day approaching, I was talking with my students about Heroes. The very short, broad informationless book we were reading together had examples of how we honor heroes--i.e. buildings, monuments, statues, etc,. Oh, and let's not forget money. And let's not forget the first thing I chose to tell the students about the coin of choice that was represented. It was a half dollar. With JFK. "Miss O., what president is that?" (As we had discussed that almost all of U.S. currency is branded with the face of a president...and honestly, this says little for me as a teacher, I couldn't remember who was on every single bill and at risk of sounding like a moron to the seasoned substitute in the room, I opted out of that discussion. Stop judging me). "Why, that is John F. Kennedy. He was one our of great presidents. But someone shot and killed him in a parade." You should have seen the horror on their innocent faces. The room that is usually buzzing with chatter and students either crawling on the floor or bedazzling their own t-shirts with scissors and markers was uncomfortably silent. I tried to quickly move on but a wave of hands flew up in the air. "Why would someone want to kill him?" "Because they didn't like the things he had to say and stood for." "Who shot him?" There are times I really regret forgetting I am teaching KINDERGARTEN. Did I mention that?? Yes, I mentioned murder to a group of kindergartners without considering the repercussions. Great. I will probably get a slew of e-mails from parents in the morning wondering why the only thing I taught their children about JFK is that he was ruthlessly murdered. Why couldn't I have just mentioned his name and moved on?? I did this efficiently when talking about Abraham Lincoln--the kids just thought of him as an old dude, not someone who was assassinated while enjoying the theater. These social studies lessons are killing me--the next story is comparable.
Exhibit B: We had been talking about the community, its leaders, the people who make the community work and also....Animal Workers. We had yet another brief (now I'm figuring for good reason) book about animal helpers-- and to my surprise the second animal worker mentioned was a monkey who opens refrigerators and turns pages of phone books for people who are paraplegics. Really? They get monkeys to open doors and bring them things to eat? Can I just have one to do stuff like that for me because I'm lazy and would like to pretend I'm rich enough for servants? Anywho, aside from the llamas, donkeys and elephants that were also mentioned (no, there were no cats, because cats suck and don't do anything but make things smell bad) there was of course a couple of pages about dogs. Guide dogs and police dogs. We talked about what guide dogs do as well as police dogs. "Police dogs felp sniff out bad people". "Police dogs can smell fire". "Police dogs can bring you your paper". For some UNEXPLAINABLE reason, due to lack of mindfulness of the grade level, my response to all of these cute responses is, "Police dogs also help sniff out drugs." As you can imagine, the first question is, "What are drugs?" Great. By mentioning the word drugs to a group of 5 and 6 year olds I have probably created at least 3 meth addicts and 5 pot smoking hippies who wind up on an episode of Intervention and have a picture of me blurred out on the screen as the gateway to their addictions--before they even get to high school. I explained that, "drugs are things that really bad people like to have." I tried to continue on talking about a dog's impeccable sense of smell, but the next response I got was, "Why do bad people like to have drugs?" Of course I said, "because they do. because they are very bad." WHY DID I HAVE TO MENTION THIS?? I quickly dismissed the children from the alphabet rug they were sitting criss-cross applesauce on and put on a movie about Guide Dogs. Hoping, praying that they would forget the word "drugs" and think about how awesome guide dogs are. Ironically, I ran into a chair and a table while I was talking to them during the guide dog video and nearly broke my face. I hope that's the most memorable experience they took home that night.
Aside from being a failure at teaching appropriate social studies topics to kindergartners, I am pretty excited to be graduating and hopefully getting the chance to be a real teacher. I will for sure be that teacher that all the students either hope to get because it is nearly impossible for me to be serious all day-- or the teacher that students go on to write children's books about because I'm so weird...I can see it now... "My Teacher is an Alien from a Planet in Outer Space that Teaches Toddlers About Drugs." Maybe I can get royalties. It's going to be so different teaching elementary school as compared to pre-school. I can't EVER get away with messing up or mumbling a word. The room can be as loud as a stadium and they will all stop and laugh at me and tell me all about the word I mispronounced. They have eagle ears, yes eagle ears, when they want to. Sneaky jerks.
Honestly though, I am so freaking excited. I can't wait to share more stories of my bird-brained teaching experiences. I am literally bounding with ideas about what I am going to do with my classroom when some poor principal takes a chance on a 25--crap I'm turning 26 soon.... 26 yr old applicant with a 7-yr bachelor's degree. It will be amazing. Let me tell you. I'm sure there is a bit of naivety in my belief and hope for my career as a teacher, but I don't care. It's going to be awesome and I'm going to be the coolest teacher on the block. I'll work out that whole "age-appropriate" thing in due time. I have finally reconnected with my passion for teaching and remember why I chose this career path. I made it! Well, almost. I still have a test to take and a portfolio to pass...but I'm sure that's fine...I left out that I talk to my students about drugs and murder.
Well, here's to next time! Hopefully it will be after I've graduated and get that IU diploma (that I will of course pretend came straight from IU Bloomington for street cred).
Cheers all :)
--Blanche
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Life Doesn't Wait
I imagine the small amount of readers I have figured I held true to my past habits and earlier guarantee of sorts that this blog might not last and would in fact die in a brief amount of time. It almost did. But have no fear, my recent boredom has forced me back into writing and I'm sure you all have been dying to find out what has been going on in my life these last two weeks.
It's the first day of Spring! My favorite season has finally arrived and I am more than thrilled to be welcoming it again with open, pasty white- out of shape- Bingo arms. I heard that oh so familiar and loved sound of thunder earlier today and my excitement immediately increased only to be given the hammer as I never heard it again. Oh well, in due time I shall get my spring storm. Anyway, my lack of writing has been attributed to the fact that those little germ incubators at work transferred strep throat into my blood stream-- no, we don't condone the sharing of needles at the daycare-- and I was hugely down and out for the count and in complete misery. I don't know if any of you have ever had it, but it was my first time and let me just say that I've never wished I could bargain to trade for the flu or lead poisoning instead of that infectious nightmare in my entire life. I woke up one morning feeling like someone thought it would be funny to blowtorch my throat whilst I slept and placed bets on how far they could jam an ice pick into my ears. I can't imagine why people would ever want to make a career out of swallowing knives and swords? I don't know about you but feeling like a steak knife is lodged into my throat every time I attempt to swallow saliva isn't my idea of thrilling. So it of course derailed my...poor attempt at dieting as I was only able to consume bread and ice, which brings me to my next point.
I am completely and utterly a creature of habit whether or not I want to admit it-- well I suppose I try to be a creature of habit but the repetition drives me insane and those wretched excuses made their way into my brain and now it's two weeks later and my wagon was unable to forge across the river, broke a wheel and the axle snapped in half with no general store or Native Americans in sight to trade with. So, really, I guess I secretly long to be a creature of habit when it comes to certain things...which makes my previous statement null and void. I honestly think there has to be a recessive obesity gene floating around somewhere in my body whispering carbohydrate filled nothings into my ears because I find any reason to consume my favorite foods and convince myself I'll make up for it later. I need to rid myself of this nasty gene soon. Thank the good Lord above that the weather is getting nicer because I'll at least get outside more and probably won't end up on a Hov-a-Round to grocery shop while my butt-crack hangs out of my Fruit of the Loom maternity pants just yet. I also don't want to disappoint you readers in thinking that I am unable to make good on a promise I made to myself-- so thanks for indirectly, unintentionally and probably unwillingly contributing to my drive to get healthy. I've yet to go back and see what damage has been done, so unfortunately (please contain your emotions) I have no news to report with that.
Speaking of nice weather and being active, someone PLEASE help me out. I need an adventure. I need to go out hiking and exploring in some awesome places that I don't have to pay $300, which does not include a complimentary snack or drink anymore--cheap bastards, to get to. Or at least give me some suggestions-- I want to visit somewhere that wouldn't be more than a weekend thing that could bring me rejuvenation and disprove the idea engrained into my soul that there aren't very many invigorating places in the Midwest. It'd be nice if I could get people to go with me, so if you are also in dire need of an adventure and your muscles are screaming at you to get off your lazy gluteus maximus and explore the great outdoors...we need to talk. My need for constant adventure is shouting louder than my inner fat girl does when walking by a soft pretzel vendor, so that is saying a whole heap. Any feedback on this matter is appreciated.
Well that's all for now you crazy kids. Enjoy the day and the new season!!!!!
It's the first day of Spring! My favorite season has finally arrived and I am more than thrilled to be welcoming it again with open, pasty white- out of shape- Bingo arms. I heard that oh so familiar and loved sound of thunder earlier today and my excitement immediately increased only to be given the hammer as I never heard it again. Oh well, in due time I shall get my spring storm. Anyway, my lack of writing has been attributed to the fact that those little germ incubators at work transferred strep throat into my blood stream-- no, we don't condone the sharing of needles at the daycare-- and I was hugely down and out for the count and in complete misery. I don't know if any of you have ever had it, but it was my first time and let me just say that I've never wished I could bargain to trade for the flu or lead poisoning instead of that infectious nightmare in my entire life. I woke up one morning feeling like someone thought it would be funny to blowtorch my throat whilst I slept and placed bets on how far they could jam an ice pick into my ears. I can't imagine why people would ever want to make a career out of swallowing knives and swords? I don't know about you but feeling like a steak knife is lodged into my throat every time I attempt to swallow saliva isn't my idea of thrilling. So it of course derailed my...poor attempt at dieting as I was only able to consume bread and ice, which brings me to my next point.
I am completely and utterly a creature of habit whether or not I want to admit it-- well I suppose I try to be a creature of habit but the repetition drives me insane and those wretched excuses made their way into my brain and now it's two weeks later and my wagon was unable to forge across the river, broke a wheel and the axle snapped in half with no general store or Native Americans in sight to trade with. So, really, I guess I secretly long to be a creature of habit when it comes to certain things...which makes my previous statement null and void. I honestly think there has to be a recessive obesity gene floating around somewhere in my body whispering carbohydrate filled nothings into my ears because I find any reason to consume my favorite foods and convince myself I'll make up for it later. I need to rid myself of this nasty gene soon. Thank the good Lord above that the weather is getting nicer because I'll at least get outside more and probably won't end up on a Hov-a-Round to grocery shop while my butt-crack hangs out of my Fruit of the Loom maternity pants just yet. I also don't want to disappoint you readers in thinking that I am unable to make good on a promise I made to myself-- so thanks for indirectly, unintentionally and probably unwillingly contributing to my drive to get healthy. I've yet to go back and see what damage has been done, so unfortunately (please contain your emotions) I have no news to report with that.
Speaking of nice weather and being active, someone PLEASE help me out. I need an adventure. I need to go out hiking and exploring in some awesome places that I don't have to pay $300, which does not include a complimentary snack or drink anymore--cheap bastards, to get to. Or at least give me some suggestions-- I want to visit somewhere that wouldn't be more than a weekend thing that could bring me rejuvenation and disprove the idea engrained into my soul that there aren't very many invigorating places in the Midwest. It'd be nice if I could get people to go with me, so if you are also in dire need of an adventure and your muscles are screaming at you to get off your lazy gluteus maximus and explore the great outdoors...we need to talk. My need for constant adventure is shouting louder than my inner fat girl does when walking by a soft pretzel vendor, so that is saying a whole heap. Any feedback on this matter is appreciated.
Well that's all for now you crazy kids. Enjoy the day and the new season!!!!!
Friday, March 4, 2011
My Life is Tomorrow
Hello all-- I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that some of you read this and get as much humor out of my life as I do. I've been laying in bed tossing and turning for a while trying to sleep, but that hamster wheel of a mind of mine never seems to slow down. Normally, I would just pop in an old VHS and call it a night (yes, VHS. I have a dual DVD/VHS player but the DVD portion of the duo unfortunately broke and my 300 lb 20in Sanyo is too old school to hook up new DVD players to it). However, I'm trying to rid my life of all my vices-- yeah I didn't know What About Bob? on VHS was a vice either. It's a whole new me, what can I say.
I know you're all dying to know how this food substitute ruining my life diet is going. Well, it's rough but I've lost 4 lbs since last week...yaaay go me. I'm not sure how; I ate like a regular patron at Golden Corral all week bc I kept thinking of it as "my last hurrah." I think that's how I got here. Every week I was going to change something so every week I ate like a competitive eater. Anyway, that phase is hopefully out of my life and food and I can start being chums instead of possible guests on Intervention. I talked to my "counselor" when I went to get measured, weighed and judged for my decisions. I mentioned this vegetable hatred to her and she had a simple solution-- drink V8 bc a guy she sees, professionally, has this same conundrum and has lost 50 lbs by drinking it. Well, I thought about it for a while, even went to the gas station and bought one (it came in two flavors, regular and Hot and Spicy)...but have left it at work since Wednesday in the cooler. Probably intentionally. If I wanted to drink vomit, I might give it the old college try, however I prefer not to voluntarily have that terrible burning in the back of my throat that feels like I just ralphed into the bushes after doing a keg stand my freshman year of college. Cripes, can you imagine what kind of after taste the Hot and Spicy flavor would have? Sickening. I'll try and remember to bring it home tomorrow-- I'll let you know how it goes.
On another note, I think I've become so engrossed in my job that I can't let it go when I leave. Today, my roommates and I went to Wal-mart and one of my roommates was sitting in the cart throwing a fit. Well I just don't stand for fits, especially about nothing and especially when I had already been dealing with them for 8 hours. So I got close enough to my roommate's face so that he could probably feel my hot breath (we had just eaten Mexcian...don't chastise me, mind your beeswax) and I pointed at him and sternly told him to, "knock it off or he was going to go straight to bed when we got home." P.S. My roommate is 2 1/2 years old. I'm not a control freak... Anywho, I must have said it loudly bc when I turned around I had at least 3 people staring at me like I had just clocked him with the value size bag of frozen peas or something and his mother (my other roommie, Jess) was bright red with what seemed to be embarrassment. I'm also assuming they assumed Jess and I were lesbians as I was yelling at a child who clearly wasn't mine and I'm pretty sure I used the term we and I was walking around in a hoodie with a black and white Columbia jacket on (as Eric Rosendall *ahem* refers to it, my Raiders jacket), carrying no purse, while Jess pushed and put things in the cart. They also probably assumed I must wear the pants in the relationship. I can only imagine what I would have inferred had I seen the same thing. But man, people are WAAAAY too sensitive with children these days. I see it first hand everyday. The next generation is going to be a huge bunch of wieners who don't know how to do anything but complain about people hurting their feelings.
Tomorrow starts my isolation experiment. I'm going to be super lame and stay in every night this weekend. I find that if the temptation isn't there I have no problem telling it to get lost. Kind of seems like cheating, doesn't it? I'm also babysitting 9 am Saturday until 4-5pm Sunday. So, really it kind of worked out and probably won't be that difficult. I don't think the 6 and 2 yr old are going to be badgering me to go clubbing Saturday night. I have been imagining all of the things I could be doing with this extra free time and money. Well, the money I'll save for Florida in May, but the time...well here are my new amusing initiatives in no particular order:
1) Learn to play the guitar that I just had to have 5 years ago and played for a week before I lost interest.
2) Decorate my room. I need to spruce it all up and make it look like an adult lives in my room. A new bedding set would be nice considering this bedding I bought at Meijer last summer is already missing buttons and is faded and pretty much looks like I bought it off of the clearance rack at the Goodwill. The headboard n' what not I have for this bed dwarfs my entire room when it is set up due to the fact that I think most standard office cubicles are bigger than my room. So, I sleep with my mattress and box spring on the floor. I've lived here for almost 2 years and I keep thinking it's temporary so I never bother to hang anything up. With the rate I'm going at finishing a f-ing bachelor's degree...I should just get comfortable. I'm here until December at the very least.
3) Find new awesome music to put on my iPod. I got a new laptop a few months ago...I never bothered to transfer anything...I found my iPod cord the other day....a friend gave me a few cds...that's about as far as I've gotten. I'll seek it out for myself this time. Oh, and on one of these CD's is a song you must listen to that I found annoyingly catchy but F-Bomb laden....it's by Lily Allen...who I've always scoffed at but really never knew anything she sang.. and it's called F**k You. Mom, I'm pretty sure you won't find this amusing, and I don't think I want you listening to such perverse language. I heard it on my way to work today and it was stuck in my head ALL day--after you hear it, you'll understand why it sucked having this stuck in my head while working with 3 year olds all day, I couldn't let it out.
4) Yoga-- somewhere I have a yoga DVD. That's all.
5) Start writing that children's book I've been meaning to write. I wrote it for my Children's Lit class years ago-- it has a good premise, potential for a series, and is quite funny but needs major revisions. I'm not sharing any details though with you...you might try to burgle my idea. Kidding, but no really, I won't tell you. See, if I become a famous author, or just a mediocre tri-state kind of famous...I could afford to travel more. This is key.
Well, only 6 more lovely hours until I drag my hesitant arse out of bed. I should probably try to sleep. I think I'll have one more love affair with my VHS player which means I'll have to pick something intrepid (this was the synonym I chose for epic because I wanted to use it but I am so entirely sick of the word EPIC, I hate everything it stands for...except for intrepid, gallant, and bodacious). You all should try finding a synonym for that word too, I know you use it. Move on. I think I'll go with Mrs. Doubtfire again.
Night all!
I know you're all dying to know how this food substitute ruining my life diet is going. Well, it's rough but I've lost 4 lbs since last week...yaaay go me. I'm not sure how; I ate like a regular patron at Golden Corral all week bc I kept thinking of it as "my last hurrah." I think that's how I got here. Every week I was going to change something so every week I ate like a competitive eater. Anyway, that phase is hopefully out of my life and food and I can start being chums instead of possible guests on Intervention. I talked to my "counselor" when I went to get measured, weighed and judged for my decisions. I mentioned this vegetable hatred to her and she had a simple solution-- drink V8 bc a guy she sees, professionally, has this same conundrum and has lost 50 lbs by drinking it. Well, I thought about it for a while, even went to the gas station and bought one (it came in two flavors, regular and Hot and Spicy)...but have left it at work since Wednesday in the cooler. Probably intentionally. If I wanted to drink vomit, I might give it the old college try, however I prefer not to voluntarily have that terrible burning in the back of my throat that feels like I just ralphed into the bushes after doing a keg stand my freshman year of college. Cripes, can you imagine what kind of after taste the Hot and Spicy flavor would have? Sickening. I'll try and remember to bring it home tomorrow-- I'll let you know how it goes.
On another note, I think I've become so engrossed in my job that I can't let it go when I leave. Today, my roommates and I went to Wal-mart and one of my roommates was sitting in the cart throwing a fit. Well I just don't stand for fits, especially about nothing and especially when I had already been dealing with them for 8 hours. So I got close enough to my roommate's face so that he could probably feel my hot breath (we had just eaten Mexcian...don't chastise me, mind your beeswax) and I pointed at him and sternly told him to, "knock it off or he was going to go straight to bed when we got home." P.S. My roommate is 2 1/2 years old. I'm not a control freak... Anywho, I must have said it loudly bc when I turned around I had at least 3 people staring at me like I had just clocked him with the value size bag of frozen peas or something and his mother (my other roommie, Jess) was bright red with what seemed to be embarrassment. I'm also assuming they assumed Jess and I were lesbians as I was yelling at a child who clearly wasn't mine and I'm pretty sure I used the term we and I was walking around in a hoodie with a black and white Columbia jacket on (as Eric Rosendall *ahem* refers to it, my Raiders jacket), carrying no purse, while Jess pushed and put things in the cart. They also probably assumed I must wear the pants in the relationship. I can only imagine what I would have inferred had I seen the same thing. But man, people are WAAAAY too sensitive with children these days. I see it first hand everyday. The next generation is going to be a huge bunch of wieners who don't know how to do anything but complain about people hurting their feelings.
Tomorrow starts my isolation experiment. I'm going to be super lame and stay in every night this weekend. I find that if the temptation isn't there I have no problem telling it to get lost. Kind of seems like cheating, doesn't it? I'm also babysitting 9 am Saturday until 4-5pm Sunday. So, really it kind of worked out and probably won't be that difficult. I don't think the 6 and 2 yr old are going to be badgering me to go clubbing Saturday night. I have been imagining all of the things I could be doing with this extra free time and money. Well, the money I'll save for Florida in May, but the time...well here are my new amusing initiatives in no particular order:
1) Learn to play the guitar that I just had to have 5 years ago and played for a week before I lost interest.
2) Decorate my room. I need to spruce it all up and make it look like an adult lives in my room. A new bedding set would be nice considering this bedding I bought at Meijer last summer is already missing buttons and is faded and pretty much looks like I bought it off of the clearance rack at the Goodwill. The headboard n' what not I have for this bed dwarfs my entire room when it is set up due to the fact that I think most standard office cubicles are bigger than my room. So, I sleep with my mattress and box spring on the floor. I've lived here for almost 2 years and I keep thinking it's temporary so I never bother to hang anything up. With the rate I'm going at finishing a f-ing bachelor's degree...I should just get comfortable. I'm here until December at the very least.
3) Find new awesome music to put on my iPod. I got a new laptop a few months ago...I never bothered to transfer anything...I found my iPod cord the other day....a friend gave me a few cds...that's about as far as I've gotten. I'll seek it out for myself this time. Oh, and on one of these CD's is a song you must listen to that I found annoyingly catchy but F-Bomb laden....it's by Lily Allen...who I've always scoffed at but really never knew anything she sang.. and it's called F**k You. Mom, I'm pretty sure you won't find this amusing, and I don't think I want you listening to such perverse language. I heard it on my way to work today and it was stuck in my head ALL day--after you hear it, you'll understand why it sucked having this stuck in my head while working with 3 year olds all day, I couldn't let it out.
4) Yoga-- somewhere I have a yoga DVD. That's all.
5) Start writing that children's book I've been meaning to write. I wrote it for my Children's Lit class years ago-- it has a good premise, potential for a series, and is quite funny but needs major revisions. I'm not sharing any details though with you...you might try to burgle my idea. Kidding, but no really, I won't tell you. See, if I become a famous author, or just a mediocre tri-state kind of famous...I could afford to travel more. This is key.
Well, only 6 more lovely hours until I drag my hesitant arse out of bed. I should probably try to sleep. I think I'll have one more love affair with my VHS player which means I'll have to pick something intrepid (this was the synonym I chose for epic because I wanted to use it but I am so entirely sick of the word EPIC, I hate everything it stands for...except for intrepid, gallant, and bodacious). You all should try finding a synonym for that word too, I know you use it. Move on. I think I'll go with Mrs. Doubtfire again.
Night all!
Monday, February 28, 2011
My Next "Big Thing"
It seems as though every week, if not every other day, I concoct this big idea in my head that is going to change my life for the better. I imagine, very briefly, the work that it will take to accomplish my new spectacular feat, and then immediately jump to the end of my inevitable success that will make me popular with friends and family everywhere. However, my great ideas (sometimes alcohol induced) rarely ever transpire further than from my mouth into my closest friends’ ears—who surely just placate me by telling me what a great idea it is but are secretly thinking, “Yeah right Heather. I’ve heard this before, you’re just going to go on sitting around your house not doing anything but watching your countless 80’s movies and talk about moving to North Carolina.” I hate to admit it, but they’re right. I do more talking and planning than executing.
Where the hell do people get that “go-getter” attitude? Please send me directions, as I’ve been lost since 1st grade when I signed up to write a Young Author’s book only to remember the night before and produced a piss-poor (even for a 7 yr old) short story about some stupid lion and a puppy on red construction paper and a typewriter. Needless to say, I didn’t win any high honors.
Considering this blog revolves around initiatives, let me just go on to share my new, but constantly revisited, endeavor.
I need to lose weight. Don’t groan just yet— this isn’t one of those whiny weight loss posts by women and men alike who blame everything in their life and those around them for being overweight. I’m posting this in hopes that my honesty with others will bar me from making excuses.
I have gained what appears to be the Freshman 50 or as I so affectionately refer to it--The Black Angel of Death. Freshman year was…good lord…7 years ago!! Yeah—we’ll get to that whole why I am still in college thing later. Every year I do some weight loss program for a couple months and I drop off because…oh who knows…probably partying due to the lack of much else to do around Fort Wayne and because I love all things salty and devastating to the human body…well with the exception of hard drugs. However, I imagine if I was an avid fan of hard drugs I’d have a pretty killer body minus ravaged internal organs and a busted face.
Anyway, I am participating in a weight loss program called the Ideal Protein Diet. This consists of consuming 3 not-so-bad-tasting packets of their magic protein powder a day. One for breakfast, one at lunch with a salad and two heaping, delicious servings of cheese-free vegetables, a sensible dinner with that steaming 2 cups of veggies, a salad and a 5 oz of poultry or beef or 7 oz of seafood, and then another packet for dessert. Oh and once a week I go to my gynecologists office (who volunteers to go there once a week?) to get weighed in and told how poorly I performed the week before. It’s so far proven to be difficult for a multitude of reasons. One being I f-ing hate vegetables. I think I enjoy maybe 5 different vegetables at most. About half-way through the monstrous serving, I start thinking about how awful it is and begin to gag and have to stop eating. barf. Second reason being I forgot how much havoc alcohol wreaks upon a diet. Oops. Third reason— I have terrible will power and I spend 95% of time in the company of children. I’m a pre-school teacher, I babysit once a week and I live with a 2 1/2 yr old. Junk food points and laughs at me at every turn, taunting me. Jerks. You must think I’m crazy for even wanting to try this extreme diet—but I’m in a wedding in June and I refuse to eternally live as the fat bridesmaid in my family photos which are surely going to haunt me forever. Already been there once.
I’ve decided that this is it. I say it all the time, but it’s time to start doing something with my life and FINISH something. I don’t want to be that friend that everybody can trust to fail or quit. And I’d like to not spend my summer indoors or covered up in heavy clothes in which I sweat my balls off in…well hypothetically speaking…testicles aren’t a part of my anatomy. My last set of vacation pictures in San Francisco were upsetting but in a way motivating. I wasn’t in many of them, thankfully, but the ones that I was in I was a little shocked. God, no wonder I don’t get asked out on dates! Why didn’t someone tell me I was an offspring of Jaba the Hutt? Jiminy Crickets!
Today is a new day, and I’ve decided to start making all of them good ones. Ones that I can feel proud of and admit that I did something myself, even with all of the hurdles that will always be present. I should probably live in isolation for a couple of weeks until I get in a routine. We’ll see how that goes, I get cabin fever quickly.
Wish me luck. With any hopes, this time next week I’ll have started courting vegetables.
Where the hell do people get that “go-getter” attitude? Please send me directions, as I’ve been lost since 1st grade when I signed up to write a Young Author’s book only to remember the night before and produced a piss-poor (even for a 7 yr old) short story about some stupid lion and a puppy on red construction paper and a typewriter. Needless to say, I didn’t win any high honors.
Considering this blog revolves around initiatives, let me just go on to share my new, but constantly revisited, endeavor.
I need to lose weight. Don’t groan just yet— this isn’t one of those whiny weight loss posts by women and men alike who blame everything in their life and those around them for being overweight. I’m posting this in hopes that my honesty with others will bar me from making excuses.
I have gained what appears to be the Freshman 50 or as I so affectionately refer to it--The Black Angel of Death. Freshman year was…good lord…7 years ago!! Yeah—we’ll get to that whole why I am still in college thing later. Every year I do some weight loss program for a couple months and I drop off because…oh who knows…probably partying due to the lack of much else to do around Fort Wayne and because I love all things salty and devastating to the human body…well with the exception of hard drugs. However, I imagine if I was an avid fan of hard drugs I’d have a pretty killer body minus ravaged internal organs and a busted face.
Anyway, I am participating in a weight loss program called the Ideal Protein Diet. This consists of consuming 3 not-so-bad-tasting packets of their magic protein powder a day. One for breakfast, one at lunch with a salad and two heaping, delicious servings of cheese-free vegetables, a sensible dinner with that steaming 2 cups of veggies, a salad and a 5 oz of poultry or beef or 7 oz of seafood, and then another packet for dessert. Oh and once a week I go to my gynecologists office (who volunteers to go there once a week?) to get weighed in and told how poorly I performed the week before. It’s so far proven to be difficult for a multitude of reasons. One being I f-ing hate vegetables. I think I enjoy maybe 5 different vegetables at most. About half-way through the monstrous serving, I start thinking about how awful it is and begin to gag and have to stop eating. barf. Second reason being I forgot how much havoc alcohol wreaks upon a diet. Oops. Third reason— I have terrible will power and I spend 95% of time in the company of children. I’m a pre-school teacher, I babysit once a week and I live with a 2 1/2 yr old. Junk food points and laughs at me at every turn, taunting me. Jerks. You must think I’m crazy for even wanting to try this extreme diet—but I’m in a wedding in June and I refuse to eternally live as the fat bridesmaid in my family photos which are surely going to haunt me forever. Already been there once.
I’ve decided that this is it. I say it all the time, but it’s time to start doing something with my life and FINISH something. I don’t want to be that friend that everybody can trust to fail or quit. And I’d like to not spend my summer indoors or covered up in heavy clothes in which I sweat my balls off in…well hypothetically speaking…testicles aren’t a part of my anatomy. My last set of vacation pictures in San Francisco were upsetting but in a way motivating. I wasn’t in many of them, thankfully, but the ones that I was in I was a little shocked. God, no wonder I don’t get asked out on dates! Why didn’t someone tell me I was an offspring of Jaba the Hutt? Jiminy Crickets!
Today is a new day, and I’ve decided to start making all of them good ones. Ones that I can feel proud of and admit that I did something myself, even with all of the hurdles that will always be present. I should probably live in isolation for a couple of weeks until I get in a routine. We’ll see how that goes, I get cabin fever quickly.
Wish me luck. With any hopes, this time next week I’ll have started courting vegetables.
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