Hello all. Glad to see you've made it back... or perhaps for the first time. I have been kicking the dirt around for a new idea for what to write about so as to entertain you all and I was having trouble for a long time until yesterday, when something too strange and hilarious happened to me that I finally found my idea.
For those of you that don't know, I recently bought a house near work as I was not a fan of the 30-35 minute drive every morning and the toll it was taking on my lot of potential spending money. A house of my very own....which came with new bills of my very own. And a new, scary downtown neighborhood of my very own. Well, it's not so bad now that I've gotten used to it. It's just a little hard to make an extreme transition like that from always living in the cushy comforts of the white picket fenced suburbs where police sirens are so infrequent that you often stop to pay attention to where they are coming from to living in the city where police sirens and train whistles are so common that they become background noise. It slightly reminds me of the scene in Big where Tom Hanks just arrives at the sketchy St. Jame's Hotel in NYC and he crawls into fetal position and cries because out of fear......and then a few weeks later he can't tell the difference between the television gunshots and sirens to real life and continues to eat his Oreos like it's nothing--- yes, it's kind of like that. I do actually enjoy it now though. I even open my blinds during the day time now. I'm not going to say I don't freeze and stare at my bedroom door when I hear a strange noise-- what is that reaction? Just staring. Like if I stare long enough maybe it won't come true. Considering I don't have furniture, I've often contemplated what I would do were an intruder to enter. I don't have any furniture to move in front of the door like in the movies... or weapons... maybe I could arm myself with my vanity chair and poke him in the eyes with my mascara tube? Something to consider.
With a new home comes a lot of financial responsibility. I've discovered some things:
1) I am a cheapskate. I do not decorate because I find it financially unnecessary when I have other things like a social life and vacations to think about. I had all of these ambitious daydreams about how I would immediately paint, redo my kitchen cabinets and have amazing artwork all around my house. Not even close-- that costs money, Jack. My house is like a bachelor pad with goofy paint colors as the only decor I've hung up is the painting I painted while I was drinking wine during a class-- hey I figure it's worth $35 and totally reeks of class and elegance. My bedroom has a bed, a jewelry box which doubles as a TV stand and a vanity. I do not own a dresser. My mom spent a long time shopping around trying to find me steals and deals for dressers so I could be an adult-- but I always turned it down if it was more than say $100. I thought I'd build one. That I bought from Meijer. That came in a 4' x 6"--yes that inches-- box. Obviously this was going to be a bit of a task. I dumped it out. Stared at it. Observed that it looked like thick, painted plywood. Noticed one board didn't have the required holes drilled into it and shoved it back in the box to return. And that was that. It's still in one of my many empty rooms... unreturned. I also don't even turn my heat up past (passed? I never know) 65 most of the time. Why waste heat and be adequately warmed when I could throw on my gray suit (that would be a gray hoodie with matching gray sweatpants...Hanes) and go to the grocery store and buy generic foods? If it weren't for my parents installing new windows, locks, doors and a security system (CLEARLY wasn't going to do any of that).....I would probably just shove furniture in front of the doors and nail the windows shut to keep the house secure. Yes. THAT much of a cheapskate. And maybe slightly lazy.
2) I hold my breath when I get my mail and hope that there isn't another bill in there. I am so delighted to not get mail.
3) Automatic payment is my favorite thing ever. Except when it doesn't work the first time and you forget to check your accounts to see if the bills have been paid and are totally surprised when you have DOUBLED bills the following month. That's fun. I'm poor.
4) Local cable really isn't all that bad once you get used to it. Now that I have a job and am not stuck watching daytime local cable, I can't imagine wasting $100+ on cable. That's why you go to visit other people.
5) I am lazy. I've had a new couch and chair ready for delivery since January. However, that means I'd have to move my current giant couch and chair downstairs. Problem? My house was built in the 1950's. People weren't obese back then and didn't require enormous couches (like the one in my living room) or wide doorways. I also have to take the railing off of the wall going into the basement in hopes that the couch would even go down the treacherous wooden steps. SO many things are required of me to get that new couch....it also requires me finding people to help me move them. Any takers?
6) I can't grocery shop. I used to LOVE grocery shopping. I will often go to the grocery store, spend an hour and come out with like a box of cereal, chicken tenders, yogurt, a dish brush and WD-40. So instead of eating meals at my house-- I'll eat what's around...like a packet of oatmeal or some frozen vegetables rather than going to the store and buying real food that would make up a whole dinner. I live next door to Kroger. Too much effort I tell you.
Aside from being borderline destitute, living alone is kind of funny. It's funny in that you start to notice a lot of really strange habits about yourself that you've never noticed before....as you always had roommates before to help you stifle your weirdness. And then you wonder...do other people do these things? Like for instance, I never close the bathroom door. Ever. And then that behavior seems to carry out to other places, all non-public thankfully, before I realize that it is really an unacceptable behavior and is much more polite to close the door in company of others. I rarely have guests because nobody wants to drive to the 'hood to see me...or they're just all married and/or have children and have real, normal lives for someone my age....and sometimes I'll forget to close the door then too. My laundry room is in my basement. It seems silly to spend all that time walking all of your laundry down the stairs and risk injury. So... my basement door is my make shift laundry chute. And then you have to explain to others why there is a pile of dirty laundry at the bottom of the stairs. You really forget yourself when you live alone. I can also never find ANYTHING. I've always stashed it away somewhere nonsensical thinking "Oh.. Yeah... the living room side table is definitely a perfect place for the Lysol and my hair dryer to be stored." And then there was the incident yesterday. I went to take my dog, Jude--or as I lovingly refer to him as "the Angel of Death" because he is a terror on four legs and while I enjoy him, I will NEVER get another puppy, on a walk yesterday. I put on my tennis shoes, sneakers, gym shoes... whatever is the correct term here in Indiana...which were on the kitchen table to keep away the Billy Goat--the Billy Goat with baby shark teeth-- and when I started walking I heard and felt this crunching in my right shoe. Of course I was concerned and when I took it off and dumped it out, what fell out but big pieces of a tortilla chip. While there are several puzzling questions and assumptions to accompany this situation, I could really only focus on how an entire tortilla chip was smashed up into pieces INSIDE my shoe. It doesn't even make sense. I found more pieces throughout the walk-- like someone had sabotaged my walk by embedding a chip into the walls of the inside of my shoe. I also do a lot of weird yelling when I'm playing with my dog. No inflection-- just monotone yelling to see if I can get a reaction. I can only imagine what the neighbors would think if they could see through the blinds I always keep closed. Speaking of blinds-- the blinds in my kitchen also need replaced. Every time I peek through them, one of the blades disintegrates onto the floor. I'll just make a pattern and call myself a Hipster. I also noticed today my cupboard is void of all coffee cups. Well the good ones anyway. The only ones left are the freebies your friends gave you after they got better stuff. Occasionally I'll find one in the linen closet or that side table in the living room. Oh-- and not having a dishwasher is absolutely the most inconvenient part about living in a house with a One Butt Kitchen and also being cheap. I also do things like... go to fill the sink and wash the dishes and not pay any attention to where the faucet is turned, walk away and end up with water all over the counter or spray the Pam on the pan without any certain direction and forget that I have a gas range and about blow my face off. My dog has also been delighted in the act of tearing the carpet out from the floor. Do I fix it? Nah. Cover it up with something. It'll be fine. Cripes-- who am I? Adam Sandler in Big Daddy?
Anywho, I woke up this morning at 5 am because ol' Jude decided he was going to paw with his sharp claws at my face until I got up. I realized I threw away my last pair of contacts last night as they weren't feeling so fresh. Guess who doesn't want to pay the $500 deductible on my insurance? Me. Guess how much a year's supply of contacts costs-- $600. Guess who is going to be wearing glasses and sporting small eyes due to the coke bottle thickness of my lenses because I'm blind for a while? Me. Being an adult sucks. However, I am thankful to finally have a space that is mine in which I call the-- obviously most awesome--shots all of the time and can have wild parties at all hours of the night. Parties I've had since November-- 0. One day I will have a party that goes beyond 11 PM. Some day. Someone should give me money.
I do actually really enjoy life right now-- things are all coming together, slowly but surely and I was thinking yesterday about how these are the things I have wanted for a long time. Of course, at 15 you imagine you'll get them all at the same time and by 25 you'd have the whole "perfect family" scenario down to a reality and your relatives wouldn't still be questioning your sexuality due to lack of ever bringing anyone to family holidays....haha. But you know, we all get to where we need to be in life at the right time for us individually. At least that's what single people are supposed to tell themselves on Valentine's Day right? (Admittedly, I just wrote this whole retrospective last paragraph while imagining it was like the closing scene in Doogie Howser M.D. with that electronic keyboard music and all). Good things are in store for me soon and I can't wait to share about it and it's hilarious ups & downs later. Because you know I regularly do dumb/clumsy things.
Well, that's that for now. I don't even think I'll go back and incessantly fix every tiny grammatical error this time like I do with my Facebook statuses. This whole living alone thing has really opened me up to a new level of laziness. Evening.
Side Note-- I did go back and look and this is the longest string of disconnected thoughts I've probably had since I was five. Too bad I'm too cheap to pay for my ADD medicine.
