It seems as though every week, if not every other day, I concoct this big idea in my head that is going to change my life for the better. I imagine, very briefly, the work that it will take to accomplish my new spectacular feat, and then immediately jump to the end of my inevitable success that will make me popular with friends and family everywhere. However, my great ideas (sometimes alcohol induced) rarely ever transpire further than from my mouth into my closest friends’ ears—who surely just placate me by telling me what a great idea it is but are secretly thinking, “Yeah right Heather. I’ve heard this before, you’re just going to go on sitting around your house not doing anything but watching your countless 80’s movies and talk about moving to North Carolina.” I hate to admit it, but they’re right. I do more talking and planning than executing.
Where the hell do people get that “go-getter” attitude? Please send me directions, as I’ve been lost since 1st grade when I signed up to write a Young Author’s book only to remember the night before and produced a piss-poor (even for a 7 yr old) short story about some stupid lion and a puppy on red construction paper and a typewriter. Needless to say, I didn’t win any high honors.
Considering this blog revolves around initiatives, let me just go on to share my new, but constantly revisited, endeavor.
I need to lose weight. Don’t groan just yet— this isn’t one of those whiny weight loss posts by women and men alike who blame everything in their life and those around them for being overweight. I’m posting this in hopes that my honesty with others will bar me from making excuses.
I have gained what appears to be the Freshman 50 or as I so affectionately refer to it--The Black Angel of Death. Freshman year was…good lord…7 years ago!! Yeah—we’ll get to that whole why I am still in college thing later. Every year I do some weight loss program for a couple months and I drop off because…oh who knows…probably partying due to the lack of much else to do around Fort Wayne and because I love all things salty and devastating to the human body…well with the exception of hard drugs. However, I imagine if I was an avid fan of hard drugs I’d have a pretty killer body minus ravaged internal organs and a busted face.
Anyway, I am participating in a weight loss program called the Ideal Protein Diet. This consists of consuming 3 not-so-bad-tasting packets of their magic protein powder a day. One for breakfast, one at lunch with a salad and two heaping, delicious servings of cheese-free vegetables, a sensible dinner with that steaming 2 cups of veggies, a salad and a 5 oz of poultry or beef or 7 oz of seafood, and then another packet for dessert. Oh and once a week I go to my gynecologists office (who volunteers to go there once a week?) to get weighed in and told how poorly I performed the week before. It’s so far proven to be difficult for a multitude of reasons. One being I f-ing hate vegetables. I think I enjoy maybe 5 different vegetables at most. About half-way through the monstrous serving, I start thinking about how awful it is and begin to gag and have to stop eating. barf. Second reason being I forgot how much havoc alcohol wreaks upon a diet. Oops. Third reason— I have terrible will power and I spend 95% of time in the company of children. I’m a pre-school teacher, I babysit once a week and I live with a 2 1/2 yr old. Junk food points and laughs at me at every turn, taunting me. Jerks. You must think I’m crazy for even wanting to try this extreme diet—but I’m in a wedding in June and I refuse to eternally live as the fat bridesmaid in my family photos which are surely going to haunt me forever. Already been there once.
I’ve decided that this is it. I say it all the time, but it’s time to start doing something with my life and FINISH something. I don’t want to be that friend that everybody can trust to fail or quit. And I’d like to not spend my summer indoors or covered up in heavy clothes in which I sweat my balls off in…well hypothetically speaking…testicles aren’t a part of my anatomy. My last set of vacation pictures in San Francisco were upsetting but in a way motivating. I wasn’t in many of them, thankfully, but the ones that I was in I was a little shocked. God, no wonder I don’t get asked out on dates! Why didn’t someone tell me I was an offspring of Jaba the Hutt? Jiminy Crickets!
Today is a new day, and I’ve decided to start making all of them good ones. Ones that I can feel proud of and admit that I did something myself, even with all of the hurdles that will always be present. I should probably live in isolation for a couple of weeks until I get in a routine. We’ll see how that goes, I get cabin fever quickly.
Wish me luck. With any hopes, this time next week I’ll have started courting vegetables.
Where the hell do people get that “go-getter” attitude? Please send me directions, as I’ve been lost since 1st grade when I signed up to write a Young Author’s book only to remember the night before and produced a piss-poor (even for a 7 yr old) short story about some stupid lion and a puppy on red construction paper and a typewriter. Needless to say, I didn’t win any high honors.
Considering this blog revolves around initiatives, let me just go on to share my new, but constantly revisited, endeavor.
I need to lose weight. Don’t groan just yet— this isn’t one of those whiny weight loss posts by women and men alike who blame everything in their life and those around them for being overweight. I’m posting this in hopes that my honesty with others will bar me from making excuses.
I have gained what appears to be the Freshman 50 or as I so affectionately refer to it--The Black Angel of Death. Freshman year was…good lord…7 years ago!! Yeah—we’ll get to that whole why I am still in college thing later. Every year I do some weight loss program for a couple months and I drop off because…oh who knows…probably partying due to the lack of much else to do around Fort Wayne and because I love all things salty and devastating to the human body…well with the exception of hard drugs. However, I imagine if I was an avid fan of hard drugs I’d have a pretty killer body minus ravaged internal organs and a busted face.
Anyway, I am participating in a weight loss program called the Ideal Protein Diet. This consists of consuming 3 not-so-bad-tasting packets of their magic protein powder a day. One for breakfast, one at lunch with a salad and two heaping, delicious servings of cheese-free vegetables, a sensible dinner with that steaming 2 cups of veggies, a salad and a 5 oz of poultry or beef or 7 oz of seafood, and then another packet for dessert. Oh and once a week I go to my gynecologists office (who volunteers to go there once a week?) to get weighed in and told how poorly I performed the week before. It’s so far proven to be difficult for a multitude of reasons. One being I f-ing hate vegetables. I think I enjoy maybe 5 different vegetables at most. About half-way through the monstrous serving, I start thinking about how awful it is and begin to gag and have to stop eating. barf. Second reason being I forgot how much havoc alcohol wreaks upon a diet. Oops. Third reason— I have terrible will power and I spend 95% of time in the company of children. I’m a pre-school teacher, I babysit once a week and I live with a 2 1/2 yr old. Junk food points and laughs at me at every turn, taunting me. Jerks. You must think I’m crazy for even wanting to try this extreme diet—but I’m in a wedding in June and I refuse to eternally live as the fat bridesmaid in my family photos which are surely going to haunt me forever. Already been there once.
I’ve decided that this is it. I say it all the time, but it’s time to start doing something with my life and FINISH something. I don’t want to be that friend that everybody can trust to fail or quit. And I’d like to not spend my summer indoors or covered up in heavy clothes in which I sweat my balls off in…well hypothetically speaking…testicles aren’t a part of my anatomy. My last set of vacation pictures in San Francisco were upsetting but in a way motivating. I wasn’t in many of them, thankfully, but the ones that I was in I was a little shocked. God, no wonder I don’t get asked out on dates! Why didn’t someone tell me I was an offspring of Jaba the Hutt? Jiminy Crickets!
Today is a new day, and I’ve decided to start making all of them good ones. Ones that I can feel proud of and admit that I did something myself, even with all of the hurdles that will always be present. I should probably live in isolation for a couple of weeks until I get in a routine. We’ll see how that goes, I get cabin fever quickly.
Wish me luck. With any hopes, this time next week I’ll have started courting vegetables.
No cheese???!? Well then, I swear to you that in good time you will fall madly and deeply and truly in love with vegetables... and you shall tell me Veggie Tales of your courtships.
ReplyDeleteGlad that you finally started you a blog & proud that my photographer's skills have been displayed! Nice choice on the fonts, by the way.
Annnnnnd
BEST OF LUCK !!! my dear friend.
(P.S. Whose wedding are you in this summer?)