Mushy Pondering

Hello my loyal readers, or first-time readers...or those of you who clicked on this link by accident.

It's been months since my last confession.  And I'm finally a college graduate.  Not that that is exactly news, or ground-breaking data that anybody doesn't know.  I just enjoy being able to say it without having to half-ass the truth or tell someone I'm kind of almost graduated.

After eight weeks of unemployment, I put on my big girl pants and went back to work.  Unemployment was very unpleasant after week one.  I feel for those of you who have experienced it--or are experiencing it-- for long periods of time.  However...the sympathy meals and drinks weren't so bad.  (I'll repay you all someday...after my gargantuan mountain of student loan debt stops intimidating me...)  I have been substitute teaching.  What a trip.  Is there some form of kid-safe crack out there that these kids are ingesting before they come to school in the morning that I am unaware of?  I love working with kids, don't misunderstand me, but Holy Toledo kids are insane.  I always forget how intense their energy is---they somehow manage to burgle all of mine the minute they walk in the door.  That should be a super hero power.  Energy siphon. 

 Getting started in life is hard. I can't wait for that elusive job with benefits people keep insisting I'll get and desperately need. I have a cell phone that ceases to have any of these functioning abilities: the letter "I" (Do you have any idea how many words use the letter i ?!? A bazillion.), the ability to scroll--which disables basically everything on my phone-- and it no longer has the ability to stay on by itself. My phone is on life support--essentially brain dead. I don't have Internet. I don't have cable. I essentially have nothing to do when I get off work. Although, I must say PBS is increasingly becoming my favorite channel. Thanks for the antenna Mom. April 27th can't come soon enough. I'd go get a new one, but due to the altercation my cell phone had with the toilet a few months back... I'm not sure they'd replace it. Ahh the poor life.

I have started realizing a few things though.  Since I no longer have school work to procrastinate over, I have an enormous amount of free time.  It's wonderful.  And because I'm perpetually single, I have found myself wanting to do things for others.  Just because.  I really like it.  Especially cooking, and now successfully baking, for other people.  I am so going to be that old lady that immediately offers food and beverage to anyone who steps through the door and brings it for you even when you repeatedly decline my offer.  It is curiously fun to bring simple pleasures to others. I'm not claiming to be a saint or even a wonderful human being-- but I'm enjoying becoming one, or attempting to anyway.  Maybe not the saint part-- for reasons we won't get into... and neither will any of you.  Or I'll shank you.   Look, I'm growing as a human being!  My life has been all about me up until recently.  No wonder I've been so bored. 

I have to make mention of something that has opened my world of knowledge of education and also in life.  Inner city schools face so many more challenges than I was previously aware of.  You hear about schools struggling to flourish in an impoverished society but you really never think twice about what an effect demography has on a school and its students.  These kids have faced more adversity in their short lives than I will probably ever experience during the entirety of mine.  I've been struggling lately with the type of teaching position I hope to get in the near future--- inner city school vs. wealthier school systems.  Some of my days are so unbelievably trying that I wonder if I'm in the right profession.  But, then, there are those break through days where you really get through to these kids and even if it is just for a moment, you have earned this small token of trust.  A principal once told me that so many of the kids in these schools don't care about school or their teachers because so many of their teachers become so discouraged with the challenge of teaching in the face of adversity that they quit, sometimes mid-year--the school has an incredible turnover rate for both teachers and students.  These kids can't always count on stability at home or their parents being there for them, surely, school should be the one safe place where they can feel like someone isn't going to give up on them.  I can't imagine what that must feel like as a child--to be failed time and time again by those who you are told to trust and respect.  I would have trouble respecting and trusting someone I knew wouldn't hang around to see what happens to me either.  I think some days, life will be so much easier for me to teach in the better school systems.  But, then I have days where I think about everything I've seen in the short time I've worked in inner city schools and maybe I should be finding a home in a school where I am truly needed to be that one source of stability and trust for a child.  Somewhere where I can make the greatest difference in the life of a child who will teach me more about life than I could have learned on my own. I think I want to be that person. If I could give one piece of advice to humanity thus far, it would be this:  Love your children.  Show them how to love and be compassionate.  Encourage curiosity and adventure.  Teach them to be respectful and considerate of others.  Teach them to be exactly who they are and to never apologize for it.  Never stop teaching them how to live.

Well, there's a little bit of my heart today.  That's enough--stop looking, she's shy. 

Have an excellent day everyone and enjoy this budding spring weather!

Much love.